You’re short on ears and long on mouth. John Wayne
I've learned to get really good at this - say one thing when I'm thinking about something else, act like I'm listening when I'm not, pretend to be calm and happy when I'm really freaking out. It's one of the skills you perfect as you get older. Lauren Oliver, Delirium
You know what he'll do when he comes back? Beat my teeth out, then kick me in the stomach for mumbling. Philip Marlowe
In this series of blogs, I’ll be discussing Leadership. In March, I addressed Motivating & Inspiring others. This month, I’ll talk about Listening Skills
Each and every one of us is different. You’re now saying to yourself, “No kidding.” The problem is that this is such a well-known fact, that we never give it much thought. Subconsciously, we go along through life assuming that everyone sees the world from our point-of-view. So, when someone acts or responds in a way we don’t understand, we assume the worst about them, rather than thinking, “This person has an entirely different way of looking at the world.” (If you want a fun exercise for a staff meeting, ask the staff to come up with a word that has the same meaning for everyone.) Generally, the first thing we see or perceive is what we run with. We seldom, if ever, slow down and look deeper. (Harris, "Communicating & Listening Well", 2006)
When communicating with others, it’s very important to put ourselves in their shoes. We’re told that all the time, but seldom do it. If someone doesn’t accept a treatment plan, for example, we may assume that if they only knew how important this is for their well-being, they’d certainly accept. Maybe, though, they have had a major financial setback and they just cannot afford the plan. Maybe they are considering leaving your practice for reasons unknown by you and they don’t want to be committed. Maybe they just don’t understand.
There is a term, “Curse of Knowledge” that tells us that there is a bias among better-informed parties that makes it so they find it “extremely difficult” to think about problems from the point of view of lesser-informed parties. (Wikipedia, 2015)
Problem is that we are all better-informed parties, as well as less-informed parties in just about every communication circumstance. The dentist or hygienist is certainly the better-informed party when presenting a treatment plan. The manager is better informed about the state of the practice than the employees. But, in the case of the practice plan, as we mentioned, there are important variables introduced by the information the patient knows that the doctor or hygienist are not aware of, the same in a manager-employee discussion.
Whenever we are “in charge” of a communication, we have a greater responsibility to listen. Listening, true listening, is not done with just the ears, it’s also don’t with the eyes, and a clear mind and concentration, and any number of other things that we have a responsibility to control.
Unlike Lauren Olivier, we have to be present, engaged, in touch with not just our emotions, but theirs as well. Honesty is very important. Not engaging, not being present screams, “I really don’t care.”
John Wayne had it right when he talked about being short on ears and long on mouth. The more we use our mouth when we should be listening, the more we’re saying, “I’ll tell you what to think!” You’ve probably heard the saying that we have two ears and one mouth, and that’s what the ratio should be of listening to talking. I’d suggest it should be two ears and two eyes and 1 mouth, so, listen 80% of the time.
I’ve personally had the “Philip Marlowe” experience. They kick you in the teeth and gut you for mumbling. I don’t think I need to even start that conversation.
There are other types of listening we may need to improve. For example, I am a “scanner” when I read and I’m notorious for not getting the whole message when my wife leaves me a note. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve brought home the wrong items and heard, Did you read the note?!” “I thought so.”” Did you read the WHOLE note?” “uuhh?” By the way, my wife has the patience of a saint; I’m the problem in these situations. We expect to be heard when we communicate, no matter the form.
It’s important to use good listening techniques, but, I’m convinced that if we use all techniques to the nth degree, we will, at best, be mediocre at whatever the endeavor. Learn to adapt to the person to whom you’re listening.
As early as the 1980’s, Fortune 500 companies surveyed felt that, “communication and people skills ‘will be subject to their severest test during the next millennium, thanks to the technological transformation of the workplace.’” (Harris, 2014) Folks, that was before computers, emails, smart phones, and a whole lot of stuff they’d never thought about. So, here are some helpful hints for communicating well (Harris, "Communicating & Listening Well", 2006):
- Be “Other” oriented. Clear your mind of, “What’s in it for me?”
- Do not neglect the importance of non-verbal communication. (68-93% of all meaning)
- When listening, don’t judge. Focus on words and behavior and not feelings about the individual.
- Hear before evaluating.
- Wait until the whole message has been delivered before responding.
- Don’t allow yourself to “lose interest” in the conversation.
- Do not be critical (in your mind) about the speaker’s delivery or mannerism.
- Do not allow interfering distractions.
- Manage perceptions. Did you know that there’s no research that shows crossing your arms when listening means you are being defensive? However, studies show that the perception is that you are, so don’t do it! (That little shelf that my fat makes is such a handy resting spot; I have a hard time with this one.)
In summary, listening is a skill that takes careful and dedicated learning and practice. Hearing is not listening. We’ll never be able to listen effectively unless we give our senses completely to the speaker and withhold personal judgement. Work to really see, as well as hear what’s being said. And, although you’re a professional, don’t get trapped by “The Curse of Knowledge”.
Works Cited:
Harris, T. (2006). "Communicating & Listening Well". Seminar Handouts and Notes, University of Alabama Management Certificate Program for Supervisors.
Harris, T. (2014). Applied Organizational Communication: Principles and Pragmatics for Future Practice. New York: Psychology Press.
Wikipedia. (2015, 27 April). Curse of knowledge. Retrieved 8 May, 2015, from wikipedia.org: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curse_of_knowledge